A brief introduction

                                                                                                       

So this is me, well, it was me 5 years ago, at the top of a mountain in Wales after spending hours climbing it.

But now I'm usually found at home, struggling physically.  You see in the last 2 years I have developed 3 chronic neurological conditions which mean I now struggle physically and cognitively. These are life long conditions, not terminal in any way, but just not curable.

It's been a tough few years and I am grieving, a lot, but I'm getting through it.  Some days are hard and some are a little easier and I am hoping that by writing this blog, it might help me through the grief.

Getting used to my newly disabled body is really challenging, finding out what causes my body to crash and what the signs are is totally new to me and limiting my daily activity levels is really tough.  I am grieving the abilities I had, the privileges that came with being a generally fit and healthy person, the old friends I had who no longer want to talk to or be with me.  Now I get to laugh at myself when I fall over, or spill a load of cereal off my spoon when my hands tremor, just a few days ago I was eating cereal and my arm muscles spasm'd and I bashed my teeth with my spoon.  So no more cereal for me.

I am currently saving up for a wheelchair, I'm hoping that this will help me around my home and help me pace my activities better.  I'm also hoping that it will enable me to get outside slightly more.  Due to me physical symptoms I am regularly loosing my balance, bouncing off walls and falling over, so a wheelchair should also keep me safer.  I am also waiting to move into a bungalow or ground floor flat as stairs are now a problem.

I have had to give up my career as I no longer have the strength and both physical and mental energy to even leave my home most days, let alone work. I used to really enjoy my work but now I am no longer able.  This also means that I no longer have the social support from the people I used to work with.

Depression has snuck in, as it does when grieving, some days I want to give up, not in a suicidal way, just a stay in bed, not move much kinda way, which is a little too easy.  But on other days its' a little easier and I can think a little, plan a little and maybe even cook a decent meal, but these days are few are far between.  Most days are somewhere in the middle.

I have an amazing family support, they are just brilliant.  They are not really local but we video call almost everyday and this helps with the depression and the loneliness loads.  I really have no idea how I would cope without them,  I am single and so life is that bit harder as there is no one to help when I'm having a really hard day, it's all down to me.

I hope to add to my blog somewhere between monthly and weekly, depending entirely on my energy levels, even writing this has taken around a month as I have to type and think in very short bursts of a bout 5 -- 10 minutes.  I have no idea how some people manage to add to a blog or TikTok account everyday.

Sending love and light to all

Heids